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Sunday, April 17th, 2011

Subject:Oh goodness.
Time:2:17 am.
Mood: discontent.
I haven't posted since the end of January. Wow. I always go in phases with lj, not that I was ever a terribly active poster anyway.

Honestly, not that much has been going on in these past, what, three months. Dicked around in school for the first three months of the semester and now it's crunch time to work on my book for class and finish that up by the beginning of May so it can look all pretty and professional.

Seeing as how I probably have not even talked about my book on here, allow me to explain: For my illustration 3 class we all have to make at least fourteen fully illustrated images that follow some sort of theme. The easiest thing to do is make a book, and a book I am making. It follows a short story I wrote back in Japan as part of a farewell gift to the DK House people that were leaving after a semester. I'll post it in its entirety sometime soon. But basically it's all a dream the main character is having, including things such as flying cats, monkeys in balloons, and a pretty cool ostrich (apparently). It's pretty whimsical. I'm really excited to see how the finish will turn out.

Other than that giant undertaking things are pretty kosher, I guess. Kind of. I've come to better terms with but am still struggling with my sense of queerness (not whether I am or not but rather, whether I am a bad gay and struggling with the limitations of sexuality and labels).

Lawrence has been wonderful, but I am ready to move on in every sense.

Wah wah.Collapse )

Oh, I also went to visit my best friend Mehron in Seattle for a week back at the end of March. Pictures to come! :D
5 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Subject:Sales Post!!!
Time:1:37 pm.
I finally decided to let go of a bunch of stuff I don't use anymore and it's all just taking up space, so here we go!

Prices: are as marked.
Shipping: (Domestic) Single items have a flat rate of $1-3.00, depending on the weight of the item (includes cost of envelopes, packing materials, etc) and will be shipped by the cheapest method, unless otherwise requested. If you want more than one item I'll figure out the cost based on combined weight of items.
(International) Flat rate of $3-5, depending on the weight of the item.
Payment: Paypal to chmiller at ku dot edu, money order, or well-concealed cash (at your own risk). If sending through the mail let me know when you send it so I can be watching the mail.

All cds have barely been used, though the older PLC ones were bought secondhand so they have more usage. Further details, as well as pictures, on any item are available upon request. Once the package is shipped I take no responsibility for damages that might occur. Please no returns; I have checked everything to the best of my ability, but if it is damaged besides through transit I may be able to give a half or full refund, depending on the amount of damage. Feedback may be left in this post.

Interested? Please comment with the item you're looking at. I will respond as quickly as possible and typically will ship either the day of or after payment is received.

NOTE: This post is currently only Jrock cds but in a few weeks or so I will be adding manga and old Newtype USA magazines, and maybe some other odds and ends. My shipping rates and information will change at that point.

Sales items!Collapse )

If you decide not to order after commenting it's totally fine, just let me know you're no longer interested rather than just disappearing. :)
Make your move!

Tuesday, January 11th, 2011

Subject::D?
Time:9:34 pm.
Mood: tired.
Ah, 1/11/11.

One more week of break then it's back to school, and monotony and toil. Well, it's been monotonous here but in that drink-two-cups-of-tea-a-day, play videogames and just generally enjoy your life kind of way. Lots of issues to go back to when I head up to Lawrence: sketchy friends, subjective teachers, a potential love-interest who I just met before break suddenly leaving to travel around Eastern Europe for half a year right when I get back... plenty of stuff.

But you know what? That's in a week. Until then, Shadow Hearts II.
Make your move!

Saturday, January 1st, 2011

Subject::D
Time:11:01 pm.
Mood: tired.
Happy New Years!! 2011, show me whatcha got.

No resolutions.Collapse )
Make your move!

Tuesday, December 28th, 2010

Subject::D
Time:11:29 pm.
Mood: blank.
Hope everyone had a good Christmas! Mine was okay, nothing special. I'm just glad everyone's gone so I can continue playing my games. :D

Speaking of games, I'm nearly finished with Shadow Hearts. Clocking in around 40 hours, honestly I'm kind of surprised at the length. Kind of short for an RPG. But as long as those 40 hours were awesome, then it's no problemo. And amazing music. <3

Hope everyone has a good New Years!
Make your move!

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

Subject::DDD
Time:5:20 pm.
Mood: tired.
So, it's my birthday!!

It's really just been one of those days where you really feel like you should be doing something. But I don't have anyone to do anything with and honestly, I'm tired as hell cause I had to work earlier today.

But hey, sometimes the best nights are spent in watching a movie with a pizza, yeah? :) Besides, mom came into town earlier this week and took me game shopping. I snagged the first Shadow Hearts and Castlevania Chronicles. So once I'm home in Wichita for winter break with my games, then it's my birthday. :D (Hey Nikki, can I get some Fiddy up in here?)
4 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

Subject::D
Time:2:14 pm.
Mood: sick.
Who wants a Christmas card?

Oh yes, I'm doing my famous homemade cards. This time even on cardstock and everything! So comment with your address (screened, of course) and I'll get those to you. I'm not going to necessarily promise by Christmas though! 8D
Make your move!

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Subject::D
Time:8:49 pm.
Mood: tired.
I just realized I haven't posted any of my artwork in basically forever. Or maybe I did, I can't remember. 8D Art projects have been consuming my life since I got back to KU, but in the meanwhile I can definitely see and feel myself improving. So, I have a few of the highlight projects here.

Artwork ho!Collapse )

In other news, I'm becoming wary of the friendships I have here. After time away people have changed. Unfortunately, this late in the game I have no idea how to go about finding new friends. Basically, I just want someone I can rely on, because I don't feel like I have that with anybody I know here.

That's really tl;dr, but whatever.
5 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Friday, November 5th, 2010

Subject::DD games!
Time:11:32 pm.
Mood: curious.
I finally finished Dark Cloud, nine years later. What a labor of love.

I've been listening to various Top 100 RPG-type playlists on Youtube and it's piqued my interest in quite a few new games! Suikoden, of course... I always knew I needed to get into that but just never got there (too bad the first few are hardcore rare now, I think). Shining Force II. Ar Tornelico series. Aterlier Iris series. Persona series. Shin Megami Tensei series. Baten Kaitos. Arc the Lad series. Grandia series. Kinda want to check out the Romancing Saga games on the SNES, too. And especially the Shadow Hearts series (Covenant's music is amazing)... oh man. How am I supposed to go next-gen when I have so many older games to play?!!!!!?!?!

Not to mention stuff I never managed to finish (FFVI :(; Tales of Phantasia; etc)

Now that I'm done with Dark Cloud though I'm a bit stumped as to what to play next. I've got an unfinished Ico but, despite all the hype, I'm stuck on the windmill part and don't feel like dealing with it right now. I also got Devil May Cry on a whim, but I don't know that I'm feeling puzzles/backtracking/button-mashing now either. That leaves me with Rogue Galaxy, which I tried to play a couple years back but just couldn't get into it. Which is strange cause I typically love Level 5 games and it looks gorgeous... it's probably one of those that you have to stick with for like 10-15 hours before it starts getting interesting.

VIDEOGAMES, I LOVE THEM :B
Make your move!

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Subject::/
Time:3:17 pm.
Mood: drained.
Whoa! It's been awhile. Tuesday is not only midterm elections but also marks my third month home. Time really passes by when you're not looking. I've been busy with art projects, a continuous stream of process, matte-cutting, finish, resubmit. Re-evaluating friendships, because as much as it might seem on the surface things have definitely changed, and the people I know here and the dynamics are completely different. I'm still readjusting to that. Dealing with my depression. I'm just not in the right mindset to go through therapy right now. I don't feel like explaining my whole life story and spending money to talk, I just don't. And I don't want to be put back on anti-depressants.

My priorities are all fucked up, but it's because I'm scared. I have so many things I need to do alongside everything in my classes but there's this weird visceral fear of all these overhanging responsibilities. So in the end I just keep pushing them away which of course only complicates things. It's a vicious circle.

Halloween weekend was fun. On Thursday I was C. Viper (not really, I just happened to have a frohawk and the same kind of glasses) and raved it out at a Big Gigantic show. Friday saw the return of the bear suit and another rave. And last night was Foxy Brown at a rooftop party, though a lot of people were calling me Macy Gray. :P Tonight I'm hopefully going to hand out candy with my friends and who knows, maybe dance on the overpass again, ala sophomore year.

Oh yeah.Collapse )

I just wish I wasn't so goddamn lonely.
7 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Subject:...
Time:9:37 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
I've experienced the circle of life in one week.

My older sister gave birth to her first child on the 31st, a daughter named Makayla. She's beautiful and I'm so happy for her.

I just learned today that a friend of mine from a couple of years ago passed away this past weekend in an accident with her boyfriend. I'm still in shock. We weren't close but for a few months in the dorm we had the best time in the world. I can't believe she's gone. She will be missed by so many people. Rest in peace, Stephanie Marie Conn.

I am so fucking tired of death.
1 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Saturday, September 18th, 2010

Subject::/
Time:3:27 pm.
Mood: aggravated.
Hmmmmm, no.Collapse )
2 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Sunday, August 29th, 2010

Subject::D?
Time:12:30 pm.
Mood: okay.
Being back in Lawrence is pretty cathartic, I guess. Seeing friends and being back at school, it's all good at keeping me distracted. From what, I don't know but I have this vague feeling in the back of my mind that I'm not content. Which scares me, cause if I wasn't content in Japan and I'm not content here, what else is there for me to do? But for now, I'm smoothing over unsettling thoughts like those with Dark Cloud and mellowcreme pumpkins (which needs to stop right now D:).

8DDD So I guess I can finally stop complaining about how I'll never get any...Collapse )

Sometimes when I'm standing in a crowd of students waiting for my classroom to open up I just get this really weird feeling that I've transcended so many of them. I don't mean this in an arrogant way, just that through my experiences I wouldn't be able to touch base with a good majority of them. It's a very alienating and despairing thought, quite honestly. Living by myself is both awesome and terrifying cause it leaves me with all these thoughts all the time and it leaves me not knowing what to do with myself. Also compounding all of this is my lack of a core group of good friends who I know I can always call and hang out with. I'm that one person of the group that's fun when I'm around but when I'm not I get kind of lost in the mix, nobody really thinks to call and invite me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, it's just the way it is. I've internalized this and I understand now that if I want to do something I just gotta go and do it by myself sometimes, which is fine for the most part but I'll be damned if I don't feel a little lonely and left out. It kind of goes back to that transcending point... am I that different now? I'm still the same person at heart and I'm the same as anyone else, regardless of the fact that I've lived in another country for nearly two years. I'm a huge proponent for study abroad but it definitely changes the dynamic of, well, basically your whole life.

Independance is tough. After that bout of depression in Japan I did come out of that a different person, a person who needed her solitude and I literally pushed almost everyone over there out of my life save a very few. I think I might've internalized this a bit too much though, cause I think I'm putting people off. Or, if not putting them off, at least making them think I don't need them. And while yes, I'll go out and dance by myself if I have to it's much better with friends. :)

You know, I never thought systems like the Commodore 64 were capable of so much. Go listen to the soundtrack for The Last Ninja for the Commodore 64, amazing. America was so blinded by Nintendo and Sega that the other systems and PCs didn't have a chance. Speaking of Sega, I'm going to bring my old Genesis up here and pick up Sonic 1 and 3 and Castlevania Bloodlines. Can't wait!

Back to the drawing board.
2 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Friday, August 13th, 2010

Subject:Part II?
Time:1:04 am.
Mood: tired.
Hey ya'll, I'm Paula Deen... wait, what?

So I've been home for about a week and a half now and I'm finally just now getting over my intense reverse culture shock. It wasn't that I missed Japan in particular but rather the circumstance, the good friends I'd made there and the convenience it gave us all to be in one general place and have things to do together. Most of my friends here in Wichita have moved on and I'm only just now moving back up to Lawrence today so I was basically stuck around the house besides errands and appointments. Other Japan friends had already seemed to be back on their feet and hanging out with other people and generally having a good time and all of this combined to make me just feel very lonely and helpless. Also, coming back meant returning to the "real world" of actual responsibilities, the "Japan dream" is over now. What a dream that was, though!

When people ask me how my trip was, a quick answer can't even hope to begin to describe the experience. It's tough. Haha, just now I tried to think up something else to say on the topic that was nice and succint but couldn't.

Sometimes pictures get the point across better.Collapse )

Back to Lawrence today... it's crazy how things just go on the way they were once you return.
3 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

Subject:I'm back!
Time:6:24 pm.
Mood: tired.
Well, I’ve made it home and as cliché as it is, I just wanna say there’s no place like it.

Fourteen hour international flight with a headache, then being morbidly exhausted for the next two. Had to recheck my bags in Seattle which was annoying and all of my connections were rushed. All in all, tired as fuck but glad to be home.

Leaving Japan was strange at best. It didn’t feel like I was leaving until I landed in America and heard everyone speaking English, in fact. I’m so grateful Nick accompanied me to the airport, cause it’s just nice having company. :)

Anyway, gonna go live my life now and go to sleep on my bed of clouds. 8D Part II chronicling my last bits in Japan to come soon(ish)!

Also, hardcore reverse culture shock. :((((((((((
1 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

Subject:This isn't Part II. 8D
Time:9:52 am.
Mood: thankful.
Well, this is it. I go home to the states tomorrow. Saw off a friend earlier who means a lot to me and who taught me quite a bit without even realizing it. As I was waving goodbye to his train it really hit me that it's over.

I've had a lot of bumps during this stay, with myself, other exchange students and Japanese culture and society in general but never would I want to start over or not even had this experience at all. It was amazing, all in all. As I look back on my second exchange in this country I can't help but be a little proud of myself for making it through.

さよなら、日本。また会うかな?
2 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Subject::D
Time:10:48 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
Oh, hi.

Sorry I've been MIA; it's tough to come and update over here when all my pics are up on Facebook and all that anyway. Cause it means I have to type out a whole journal and blah blah, whatever. 8D

I am officially less than one week away from being back home! I can't tell you how excited I am... it's been quite the year, but it's time to go home. I'm spending this last week in good company with my best friend as we basically tour through the spots in Tokyo we missed and revisit other favorites. Yesterday we went to Ueno and the huge shopping district which all culminated in wandering around the huge pond in Ueno Park that was absolutely filled with lotus flowers under the festival lanterns at night. Beautiful. Hopefully I will be going to this sweet retro games cafe tomorrow night, get crazy. 8D

I've been an emotional rollercoaster this past month or so. Finally finishing what I'd started months and months ago (essentially, when the first-semester friends left) I've pretty much pulled away from everyone here at DK besides maybe one person. I've come to realize that I'm not obligated to anyone and if I don't want their company or don't feel like our friendship will grow, I'm going to cut it off. It's a bit severe, I guess, but it's the only way I know how. The end result, though, means I can live my life in peace with the people that I want to be in it.

Also, one last final tomorrow and am DONE with Sophia!!!

Lots of pictures, some NSFW, for once.Collapse )

Part II to come later. :D Hope everyone's doing good!
1 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Saturday, June 5th, 2010

Subject::D
Time:11:20 pm.
Mood: okay.
Not much has been up across the pond. We're finishing up with midterms and I've got to say this was the most laid-back set of midterms I've had in awhile! I say this but technically I'm only halfway through. 8D

I'm feeling quite a bit better compared to my last long post. I've been forcing myself to stop worrying about other's expectations so much and allowing that to run my life. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm probably not going to speak very much Japanese while I'm still here and while yes, I could have done more earlier to prevent this circumstance I'm not going to beat myself up about it and ruin my last two months. Japanese isn't even my major, I can deal with not being fluent. I've also loosened my vice grip on personal attachments. I spend a lot of time by myself now but it's really more from the fact that nothing is expected from myself than anything else.

Now that we're rolling into the final stretch I'm gonna sit back, relax, hit up the last few things I'd been wanting to check out (Ghibli Museum, Nakano game figure stores, maybe even a MUCC concert) and get ready to return home.

Funtimes.Collapse )
Make your move!

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

Subject:8D
Time:6:51 am.
Mood: okay.
So I've pretty much decided that I need some shutter shades. Preferably white.
1 stuck a pose|Make your move!

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

Subject:It's me again.
Time:5:22 am.
Mood: contemplative.
Yeah, I'm still alive. It's been quite the month since the last time I posted! Mother even came to visit for a few days to get crazy with culture down in the Kansai region (Kyoto, Nara, and Osaka). We took the night bus down there the first night she arrived and then the night bus back to Tokyo the next night, so we scoured Kansai in one day! Honestly, I don't understand where she gets her energy.

Pictures tell the story better than words.

Cultural capacity has been reached.Collapse )

In short, things aren't okay with me and haven't for a few weeks now. Things that are way out of my control are affecting me more than I'd like. I'm homesick, lonely, and just plain sad. As a result I've started pulling away from people and that leaves me with only a few close friends with whom I can talk about things and who can distract me from all of it. And my fucking ear is draining and popping and being annoying as hell. How long are ears supposed to drain after your cold goes away?!

tl;dr I suck and it's not necessarily Japan's fault but it's being fairly annoying too.
4 stuck a pose|Make your move!

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